No Better than my Fathers

Since the Fall we have all
Struggled to return.
But on the road to Eden stands
An Angel with a flaming sword.

There is a sort of shanty town here, built in safety
Just beyond His reach.
Diverse inhabitants -
United only by our certainty
That each will be the one to find
A new and better path to freedom.
Poor lost circus performers,
Donkeys, who drew back;
Actors, lost in character -
We share this common cry:
"O, Let not our God speak to us for fear we die!"

Some choose complete abandon
Let go their inhibitions as if that wild and will-less Baal worship
Could translate them into Reality
(Frenzied flopping in a Goldfish Bowl.)

Some choose a solemn pruning of Habit and Demeanor
Attempt to act out life in Eden, bring it down to them on Earth.
A last-ditch effort; Hail Mary
(The blind rehearsing what they never saw.)

For there is no path from here to there but through the flames
No way back but through that sword
We will remain but squatters in this twilight place
Until we learn to cry
"O Lord, Take away my life -
I am not better than my fathers!"

When is a cult not a cult

To this point, I've lived most of my life in a Christian community and so I know that the label "cult" is a negative one and what it tends to mean to people. I remember that people would accuse us of being one, and we would laugh about it, knowing how far the accusation was from reality. "Cult" implies a certain level of people being controlled in an improper way.

A few disclaimers before going any further. Firstly I want to stress that I don't regard the community I used to live in as a cult or a place where people are controlling other people improperly. Secondly I recognize that such places do exist and very sad things have happened to people in them. The following thoughts are not intended to deny such experiences or attempt to explain them away. The exposure of lies should illuminate truth, not cheapen it.

Leaving community as I now am, I've been mulling over many things and this is one of them. When is a cult not a cult? My answer is that it takes two to tango, and a cult cannot truly exist without members. Furthermore, you can have all the structure and form of a cult in place - down to the tyrannical despot in charge - and yet someone can live in these surroundings and not be living in a cult.

Contrariwise, there can be a community which is set up perfectly with no hint of "cult-ness" about it, and people can live there and be living in a cult.

"I lived in a cult" can therefore sometimes be received as a confession - "I lived", rather than a denunciation - "in a cult".

How you receive is the key to what seems like a contradiction here. "Take heed how you hear" Jesus cautions. "For with the same measure that you use to measure, it will be measured to you".

As for myself I'm finding a strange mixture inside. While the vast majority of what I've learned from my past experience has been wholesome, I am having to detox from certain assumptive ways of thinking; yet while understanding that any such poison has been from my own measuring cup. The assumptions I took on board were never what the community was supposed to be about, never why it was begun: they were only natural byproducts of a certain logistical setup if you will, and supposed to be recognized as such and rejected. Much like how the body recognizes and eliminates toxins it takes in. Perhaps if I could fault one thing in the organization I speak of it would be a lack of clearer teaching warning about such natural assumptions.

Because of course, this whole subject is really about how you receive - take in - eat... There are a few interesting studies about how gratitude can actually make you more healthy. Just think about it - being thankful while you are eating junk food might actually be better for you than being ungrateful while eating health food!

Following on from this I think is the state in which "no deadly thing shall harm you". This is not a promise to be taken lightly: it involves and relies on a complete paradigm shift; a complete abandon to a new life. Jesus said about himself "the prince of this world comes and he has no claim over me / no power over me / has nothing in me". Water off a duck's back.

Regarding Salmon, and how to deny oneself

I've been walking daily across the Delta River's delta (where it flows into the Tanana) and, passing countless dead and dying salmon, the following thoughts have come to mind...

Luke 9:23 - And he said to them all, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.

Over the years Christians have attributed all manner of things to the idea of taking up the cross and denying ourselves. From hair shirts to doing what is "a horrible job, but someone has to do it".

Yet, if the salmon were to deny themselves they would remain in the ocean, in great distress - for every fiber of their being wishes to swim upstream and batter themselves on the rocks only to die, frozen, in some God forsaken Alaskan wilderness - yet having fulfilled the purpose of their lives.

Of course, following their North Star does lead the salmon to a measure of what anyone might call "denying themselves". It is just not perhaps the obvious path - stemming as it does from following what must to them equate to pleasure, "doing what they were made to do".

"I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast! And when I run I feel his pleasure." - Eric Liddell

It is rarely clear what denying ourselves and following Him is supposed to mean in practice. For instance, getting married. I see in hindsight that this was a part of God's plan for me but in no way was it at the time about "denying myself". Quite the opposite in fact. Although later on I discovered various things which cut against "my own way", if I look at the whole picture despite this it has been a pleasure - not a hair shirt.

It is clear that it makes no sense for us to make the choice ourselves. We will just decide to do something we don't want to, or something that costs us more than what we can give, and end up doing it all for nothing ("I never knew you"?). Following Him is the only thing that can lead to the right kind of denying. And what does that look like? Sometimes it might be simply to follow what is in your heart to do: rather than stick around in the ocean, agonizing and thinking that it is therefore the right place for you.

beginning of the trail

From small beginnings... well, we shall see!